Speaking Out Even When it's Uncomfortable

A husband's and father's thoughts on reproductive rights

My post today is different from what I usually write and, to be honest, it’s uncomfortable for me to discuss these personal stories but we are living in uncomfortable times.

In my memoir Here, Right Matters, I briefly mentioned my wife Rachel’s and my struggle with pregnancy loss and infertility. That was purposeful because it seemed like it was her story to tell even though it obviously affected me as well. With all that has happened since the SCOTUS decision on Dobbs and the current horror that is happening to a Texas woman and her husband, I feel compelled to tell our story from my point of view. I hope more men will speak out as well.

In May 2006 I was conducting my first field training exercise as a company commander. Rachel flew home to Oklahoma to tell her family she was pregnant. On Mother’s Day she miscarried. At one point her pain became unbearable and her parents took her to the emergency room where she was admitted for observation. Once her pain was managed she was released to miscarry at home.

In July of the same year we were traveling in Europe when Rachel began experiencing pain that she described as similar to her miscarriage but she was sure she wasn’t pregnant. I took her to a local hospital where we learned she actually was pregnant and likely experiencing another miscarriage. She was distraught but I was more worried about her. There were some serious concerns and a dilation and curtilage (D&C) was discussed but fortunately she didn’t need one.

The following April Rachel was pregnant again and for a couple of weeks everything seemed fine but we soon learned she was having her third miscarriage. As the days passed, I could see her pain was increasing but she had experienced pain with her other miscarriages and wanted to remain at home. Eventually I called our doctor who told us to come into his office. By the time we arrived, she couldn’t sit in a chair without extreme discomfort. Within fifteen minutes of arriving at the clinic Rachel was being prepped for emergency surgery. Not only was the pregnancy not viable, it was an ectopic pregnancy — the pregnancy was growing in her fallopian tube with no chance of survival — and it had to be removed immediately in order to save Rachel’s life. Without her doctor’s decisive action, the story could have ended very differently. Today in the United States, some radical Republicans consider lifesaving surgery to remove a never viable ectopic pregnancy abortion and they want to restrict the procedure.

In September 2008 we finally had a healthy and viable pregnancy that was progressing normally. In December we celebrated with family and friends who were as excited as we were to welcome our baby girl the following May. On the evening of January 10, 2009 Rachel went into labor and the next day our beautiful Sarah Abigail was born at just under 24 weeks gestation. We made the decision to have her resuscitated; without that she would have passed away shortly after birth. Sarah survived a week in the neonatal intensive care unit before contracting an infection. Exactly a week after we made the choice to employ all available means to keep Sarah alive after birth, we once again huddled with a medical team — all of us in tears — and made the decision to remove life support for the baby we had longed for and wanted so desperately.

Throughout our journey to become parents we, along with our physicians, made healthcare decisions about death and life. In no way was the government involved in those consultations and in no way should they have been.

In the United States today extremist Republican lawmakers are accusing women who miscarry of aborting their fetuses. There is a woman in Texas who is fighting to be allowed to have a D&C. It has been recommended by her physician and approved by a judge but even still Ken Paxon, the Texas attorney general, and the Texas Supreme Court are blocking her from having this life- and fertility-saving procedure.

Why it Matters: I’m a husband and a father to a daughter. I will do everything and anything to ensure my family’s health and safety. The radical Republicans preach about rights and liberties and claim the government is interfering in parents’ decisions, but the reality is their primary goal is restricting rights. They view power as a zero-sum game; they have more power when they are restricting the rights of others. I did not devote more than 20 years of my life to defending American’s rights from foreign threats to have domestic radicals threaten the dignity and lives of my wife and my daughter. I will not allow the regressive Republicans’ war on rights and freedoms to take choices away from have my daughter who now enjoys less rights than my wife did at her age. The men in this country are all sons, brothers, and fathers. We must stand in solidarity with the women in our lives to speak out against the continuous attacks and curtailing of women’s rights.       

There is nothing I wouldn’t do for this girl and if that means sharing personal stories about our struggle to become parents, so be it.